


Sarcasm

by corpsepride



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:27:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27295633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/corpsepride/pseuds/corpsepride
Summary: Akira leaves home without any intention of returning.
Relationships: Amon Koutarou/Mado Akira, Mado Akira/Takizawa Seidou
Comments: 6
Kudos: 10





	Sarcasm

**Author's Note:**

> I'm gonna be real, I had planned to revise and flesh this out better but I had to be honest with myself and accept that I likely wouldn't. I'm pretty busy with school as is, so I can barely manage to sit down and write by myself. I'm not entirely happy with the characterizations or pacing in this, but it was more self-indulgent than I'd like to admit (though all my works are written entirely for myself, this just falls into a certain niche of angst for me). I hope it's still enjoyable at least!

Akira didn't really know where she was, nor did she care. Her legs trembled beneath her, and her entire body ached with exhaustion. Her clothes were stuck to her skin like saran wrap and her hair was a mop heavy on the back of her neck and her shoulders. She looked pathetic, and she felt pathetic. 

How long had she been walking? No—it didn't matter how long, just as long as she arrived at her destination. Didn't have one in mind at first, but a thought—a desire—came to her during the downpour that she'd wished had drowned her: Takizawa. 

Akira knew if she searched long enough she'd find him, she just knew it. The only desire, the only bit of passion she had left in her cold, empty heart was to see him again.

By this point, Akira had been walking days—weeks, maybe? She survived on scraps and handouts. It had been raining nearly non-stop for weeks and she was probably sick by now but it didn't matter to her. Nothing did. She chose to subject herself to this, knowing damn well if Amon came to find her he'd have a hell of a time trying with his senses shot by the rain showers masking her scent to him.

She hoped he never found her.

Akira had heard rumors of a ghoul on the outskirts of the ward hunting other rogue ghouls, and for a long time she tried to think nothing of it, but she knew it was him. She hadn't seen Seidou since the Dragon War, and something deep inside her ached for his presence. Why? He'd nearly killed her. Had it not been for Amon, she'd have died at Rushima, just like Special Investigator Houji. Just like the rest of his men.

She pushed the thought away. Why should she care? It didn't mean anything now. 

The rumors of the ghoul… Akira had asked around about them, and most people have her strange looks and avoided her—unsurprising. But a few complied. Most of them led her to an abandoned apartment building on the southside of Tokyo. If it was Seidou, she'd be lucky. But her luck could prove her wrong, and whoever was there wasn't Seidou, and would be far from her friend.

And now here she was, on the front steps of the building. The building was certainly rotting and devoid of any life. There were signs posted all around warning trespassers to keep out and marked the building as a hazard, but she didn't come all this way just to be turned around by some stupid sign.

Akira rested her hand on the rotten, paint-chipped door and pulled it open. The air inside assaulted her senses—stale, with the overpowering musk of decaying wood and furniture. Particles were present in the air as she walked in and she wouldn't be surprised if there was mold growing somewhere out of sight. 

She continued on. She searched hallways and rooms and the floorboards creaked and groaned under her steps, and clearly warned her of possible collapse. Akira was disappointed to find empty room after empty room, and began to second guess herself. What if he wasn't here? Did she come here for nothing? Had she really wasted all that time and energy for _nothing_?

And then she heard the floorboards above her creak. There were footsteps. Akira felt her heart drumming in her ear as she quickly made way to the stairwell and ascended upon them, eager to find out if the stranger above was Seidou.

She reached the next floor and found another long, empty hallway. This was the top floor. There was a massive hole in the ceiling and a just as massive damp spot where the rain had come in. She could see gloomy, grey clouds outside and light shone in on the stairwell behind her.

Akira averted her eyes and pressed forward.

Halfway down the hallway, a hand grabbed her shoulder from behind. She gasped in shock but dared not let out a scream. Akira was whipped around to meet the stranger who'd startled her, and her entire body froze at the face who greeted her.

"What the hell are you doing here, Mado?" Seidou snapped in her face. His skin was still just as pale as when she'd seen him last. He looked just as exhausted as she did, and he still had those same sunken eyes and blackened lips and long white locks she wanted to run her fingers through. Akira was so overcome with joy at the sight of him that she couldn't help but burst into tears. For the first time in so long, she felt warm. She felt _something_. 

Seidou's expression fell and he backed away from her for a moment, but she threw herself at him. She wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his shoulder and let out a heavy sob. His skin was cold and his clothes were damp, but she still felt so warm. Her hands trembled as they gripped his cloak tightly, and her entire body shook with every uncontrollable wail that forced its way out of her. She hadn't realized it, but she'd basically gone slack against him. She didn't have the energy to stand anymore, and she chose instead to hang off of his body like some sort of parasite.

Seidou didn't seem to have any words. He sputtered and hesitantly cradled her against his chest. She wanted to apologise for being so pathetic, but she couldn't find the words. She was elated just to be holding him like this. 

"Why," Seidou started quietly, "Why are… I don't understand, I…"

Akira sniveled and pulled back some to wipe her face on her forearm. She composed herself enough to speak, but her voice trembled weakly in her throat. She stood on her own again, and her hands moved to cup Seidou's cheeks in them. She held his face in her palms and mustered a smile. "I just… wanted… to see you, Takizawa…"

Seidou looked shocked. Then, he grabbed her wrists and closed his eyes, "Why?" He grits his teeth and lowers his head. "Why would you want to see _me?_ Look at you, you're a fucking mess—"

"I know," she croaked, "And I'm... so tired," the exhaustion was setting in and she found her body finally giving in on her. Her legs were too weak to support her and she began to fall to the floor when Seidou caught her and held her like she'd break if he let go. She looked up at his face and smiled while everything around her swirled and fluttered into blackness.

"M-Mado..!"

  
  


When Akira woke again, her eyes focused on a white plaster ceiling. She wasn't fully conscious yet, and took a moment to process what exactly she was seeing. She realized she was lying in a bed, and had been tucked in with a large blanket and when she turned her head, there was a window on the wall beside her. Outside she couldn't see much but darkness and some lights of the city in the distance. Where was she?

She turns her head to the other side and spies an open door and could make out a darkened hallway beyond it. Beside the bed was a nightstand with what appeared to be a kerosene lamp burning away, keeping the room illuminated for her. Had Seidou brought her here?

Akira attempted to move, but found she was too weak to even do that. Every inch of her ached and begged her to stay in bed, but she didn't listen. She ended up collapsing off the side and trying to support herself on the wall with her trembling arms.

Footsteps were coming down the hallway.

Akira turns her head to find Seidou in the doorway not dressed in the cloak she usually found him sporting. He wore a black hoodie and sweatpants and he quickly came around the bed to help her up with an exasperated groan.

"Stay in bed," he commanded as he placed her back on the mattress.

"Where am I?" She questioned.

Seidou sighed, "In the same apartment building as before."

Akira took another look around the room. That _couldn't_ be. This room was so… _nice_ looking. She shot him a confused glance, to which he laughed in response and shook his head. "I know, I know. It was the nicest room left, but… I fixed it up myself a bit."

"That's impressive," she commented as her eyes met his. He averted his gaze and she frowned. There was a painfully long pause of silence between the two of them. They were talking like normal people, and just for a moment, she'd forgotten how she'd even gotten here in the first place.

"Why did you come here?" He asked quietly. 

"I... wanted to see you," she explained. 

Seidou chuckled and shook his head again. He raised one of his hands to his mouth and clamped down on a few of his fingers. That must be a nervous habit of his. "Wanted to see me? What a joke."

"It's not a joke!" Akira snapped, her voice still weak in her throat. She sat up and looked at him fiercely. Her body was already trembling, and she could feel exhaustion at the edge of her consciousness. 

"Why the hell would you want to see _me?"_ He shot back, "Don't you have better things to do than show up here lookin' like shit?"

That stung. She wished she had the energy to fight him, but she just didn't. She defeatedly sunk back into the mattress as exhaustion washed over her again. "Not really," she mumbled, "I… I don't have anything."

Seidou narrowed his eyes, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Akira rolled over and stared up at the ceiling. Any fight left in her had died, and she felt cold and empty even beneath the warm covers. She wanted to cry again, but she couldn't muster the energy. "It means I have nothing," she mumbled, "I'm... nothing."

He only looked more confused. Seidou sighed and chewed his fingers. It didn't seem like he was very well-equipped to deal with her right now. How could he? She couldn't even handle herself. Her stupid, selfish, and meaningless self.

"Why didn't you stay?" She croaked, "Why… did you leave?"

Seidou rolled his eyes, "That's what this is about?" He exhales through his nose, "What point was there in hangin' around?"

"I wanted to talk to you…"

"And what if I didn't wanna talk to you?"

That struck a nerve. The tears finally came again. "God," she choked, "I'm so pathetic…"

Seidou's expression fell. He pulled his bloodied hand from his mouth and took a step forward, his face now contorted with guilt. "Look, Mado, I—"

"I don't know what I expected," she interrupted, "When I left my apartment… I didn't know where I was going... I didn't know what I wanted…" 

"Mado—"

Akira covered her face with her hands and sobbed into them, "For fuck's sake I just wanted to _talk_ —"

"Mado!"

Akira jumped. She parted her fingers and glanced over to him again. He wore a grimace as he sat down on the edge of the bed. The mattress shifted with his weight and he sighed again, "You really know how to make me feel like shit, huh?"

"I'm sorry," she choked, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry…"

"Would you cut it out?" He growled, "What do you _want_ from me?"

"I told you," she sniveled, "I-I just wanted to talk to you…"

"You've really just been wandering around outside for god knows how long just to talk to me," he chuckled, "That's fuckin' stupid."

"I know."

"What, did somethin' bad happen? Amon throw you out?"

"No…"

“Then why’d you walk out?”

Akira took a deep breath and finally lowered her hands. She stared up at the ceiling and clutched the blanket in her fingers while she spoke, “I really couldn’t tell you. I guess I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

“Take _what_ anymore?”

“The nothingness,” she whispered. “Feeling nothing, doing nothing… I… _am_ nothing.” Akira sighed, “Ever since Rushima I’ve felt empty. I’ve ached for something, _anything_ to fill this hole I feel inside of me, but…”

“But nothin’ works, huh?”

She turned her head and nodded, “Yeah…”

Seidou scrunched up his nose, “And what am I ‘sposed to do about that?”

“How should I know?” Akira scoffed and rolled over onto her side, facing away from him. She clutched herself beneath the covers and curled up into a ball. She didn’t want to talk about this. What had she expected coming in here? She really hadn’t a clue. Maybe Seidou to be less of an asshole, but she doubted that would let up any time soon. But, as frustrating as it was, it felt… familiar. Familiar to bicker with him like this. It made her skin prickle. “I asked you a question earlier.”

“And what was that?”

“Why did you leave?” She asked a bit more sternly. Akira glanced over her shoulder to watch his expression. He seemed irritated, as evident by him running his hand over his face and scowling at her.

Seidou sighs, “I already told you. What point was there for me to stick around? I did my job. You didn’t need me anymore.”

“And how do you know that?”

Seidou fell silent for a few moments. The tension in the air was growing thicker. Finally, he began to speak again, barely above a whisper, “Because you had Amon.”

Akira’s voice began to tremble again, “And who told you that was what I wanted, _Seidou_?”

Seidou visibly tensed. Akira sat up and supported herself on the headboard, but she remained facing away from him. She grit her teeth and began again in a low voice, “I’ve spent months wondering where you could have gone. I lost everything that gave me meaning and nearly lost my life because I couldn’t bear to watch you lose yours. There were… so many things I wanted to say to you, but at that point I was living on borrowed time.”

She sniffled and squeezed her eyes shut, “I was fine with dying if it meant I could save you, and you couldn’t even spare me a _conversation_?”

He was silent again. Akira could feel anger bubbling beneath her skin, ready to burst. She took a few deep breaths to calm herself and whipped around, ready to snap at him, but her breath caught in her throat when her eyes met his. 

Seidou smiled at her, but it wasn’t the least bit comforting. The anger she felt subsided and was replaced with dread while her body grew cold. Akira swallowed thickly and waited for him to speak, only to be met with a few quiet, unnerving chuckles. She mumbles, ”Seidou..?”

“You wanna know why I didn’t stick around, _Akira_?” He covered his face with his hands, “You think guys like me deserve happy endings? Weren’t you the one who told me to shut up and die?”

“I never said that—”

Seidou grabbed her face. She let out a gasp in protest as he held her jaw tightly and leaned in close to her, their foreheads nearly touching. Akira was forced to meet eyes with him again, but this time his kakugan was active. He chuckled again, “ _You did,_ all that time ago. I was the one who tried to kill you first, right?” Tears welled in Akira’s eyes, but she dared not speak back.

“You really thought you could _save_ me?” His nails dug into her flesh, “I didn’t want to leave... I _had_ to. Do you understand?”

Akira trembled beneath his grip, “I-I don’t—” She yelped as he shifted his grip to her throat and pinned her up against the headboard. Akira gasped for breath and struggled against him, but it was no use. She was far too weak to defend herself. Tears streamed down her face as she watched Seidou’s expression in pure terror, not sure what to do. 

_He’s going to kill me,_ she thought.

“You told me yourself,” he began, “That I was a murderous ghoul… nothin’ I can do now will change that fact. Doesn’t matter how many parasites I pick off, it won’t bring those innocent lives back. None of them. Not those investigators, not my family, and not Houji.” 

Seidou cackled and covered both of his eyes with his free hand as a poor attempt to hide the tears streaming down his cheeks. “Y’know, I realized somethin’ a while back… I decided I’d keep livin’ for you. I brought Amon back for you because I thought it’d make you happy. That you’d be _satisfied_.” He shook his head, “And look what it fuckin’ got me.”

“Seidou,” she choked, “P-Please, let me go, I—”

“Ah!” Seidou tightened his grip, “But I’m not finished.”

She whimpered and grit her teeth. She was such a fool for thinking anything good could come out of this. She was too driven by her selfish need to think rationally anymore, and the one person she’d been aching for all this time was far from the man she wanted him to be. She should have listened to Amon, and left him be. As much as they—as much as _she_ —wanted things to go back to normal, or as “normal” as they could be, that was just a fantasy she made up to make herself feel better. To give her some sliver of hope. To satisfy what _she_ wanted.

And now she’d die; but maybe that wasn’t so bad.

Seidou leaned in closer to her and pressed his lips to the shell of her ear, “I enjoyed every moment I spent ripping those investigators into little pieces.” His breath was hot against her ear, and his voice was nearly drowned out by the fierce pounding of her heartbeat. Seidou continued, “I kept my distance because I knew if I’d gotten too close, I would have done the same to you…”

He dragged his tongue along the side of her face while she shuddered and squirmed away. “I’ve always wondered how sweet you’d taste… what your flesh would feel like between my teeth while I stripped it from your bones,” Seidou chuckled ominously, “You don’t know how badly I want to devour you, Akira Mado…”

Her breaths grew more ragged and strained. Akira’s bottom lip trembled and she barely whispered, “And why don’t you?”

Seidou pulled back and weakened his grip, “Huh?”

Akira coughed roughly and met his eyes again, “Why… why don’t you get it over with a-already?” He stared at her in disbelief. She wrapped her hands around his arm and sadly smiled at him, “I don’t have anything I want to live for, I... should have died back on Rushima…”

“No,” he averted his gaze, “No, no, _no_ …” She blinked the tears out of her eyes in confusion. What did he mean _no_? Seidou swallowed hard and grimaced at her, “I can’t.”

“Then what the hell was all of that?” She snapped, “Just to scare me? Is it funny to you?” Akira grabbed him by his mouth, “This is wh-what you want, right? R-Right?”

Seidou completely released his grip and tore away from her. He attempted to move, but a wave of adrenaline hit her. In defiance, Akira grappled with him and pinned him down onto the bed. She straddled his waist and shoved her forearm into his mouth while she choked out a sob, “Do it! Eat me!”

He bit down. Hard. Akira let out a wail and Seidou’s hand hooked into her side. He flipped the two of them over, reversing their positions. When she attempted to meet his gaze, the face she was met with was empty. It reminded her more of an animal than a person while blood dripped off Seidou’s chin and onto her neck. She didn’t attempt to fight back; she’d given up. 

_I’m going to die here._

Seidou dove for the meat of her shoulder. Akira screamed as his teeth dug into her flesh and ripped a hunk clean off. He bit her again, in a different spot this time. And again. The pain was unbearable, far worse than the bite she’d received from Naki all those years ago. Akira’s ears began to ring and her vision blurred. She couldn’t take it anymore, and she lost consciousness.

  
  


She could hear voices, but couldn’t make out a word they were saying. Everything was drowned out. Far way. Was she dead? The voices grew closer, more clearer. One sounded… familiar. Comforting, even. Who was that?

Another sound came to her. A steady hum of machinery, and the low, rhythmic beeping of a heart monitor nearby. Akira blinked open her eyes, and everything came into focus. Above her was a bright white ceiling, and her nose stung with the distinct scent of chemicals. 

“What?” She whispered to herself. She groggily glanced to her side and found the heart monitor sitting in front of a large, pale-blue curtain. She was in a hospital. _But how did I get here..?_

“Akira?” She finally recognized the familiar voice as Amon’s. Her heart sank. She looked forward, down her bed, to find him hunched in a chair with his hands clasped together.

“Koutarou?” She mumbled, “How did…”

“He brought you here,” Amon answered with a grimace.

“He..? You mean… Seidou..?”

Amon nodded. “From the way the doctors described him, I was sure it was him.” He looked to Akira and narrowed his eyes, “What happened? Where the hell were you? I was worried sick.”

“I…” She didn’t know how to answer. The guilt was finally catching up to her. “I’m sorry…”

“Tell me what happened, Akira.”

“I don’t want to.”

Amon sighed in irritation and pinched the bridge of his nose. Before he could open his mouth to speak, a man pulled the curtain back and stepped into their small, santitized space carrying a clipboard. “If I could have a word with Miss Mado, please…”

Amon sighed again and nodded curtly before standing. He glanced back at Akira, “We’ll talk about it later.” He then left the two of them, presumably to give them some privacy. She didn’t have it in her to cry.

The man cleared his throat. “Pleased to meet you. You can call me Doctor Maeda. How are you feeling, Miss Mado?”

Akira mumbled, “I don’t know.”

Maeda pursed his lips and raised an eyebrow, “I see. Well, how do you feel _physically_?”

She stopped to think. “Everything… aches,” she answered with a rasp. Now the pain was beginning to set in. “My shoulder… it… almost feels like it burns…”

Maeda scribbled a few notes onto his clipboard, “And I understand you were attacked by a rogue ghoul?” She tensed. Akira swallowed thickly before she answered, “I don’t remember.”

“Interesting,” he sniffed, “Well, I have some news for you. The good news is that, well, we didn’t lose you. You’re very lucky to be alive right now, but you’d lost quite a bit of blood by the time we’d gotten you on a table.”

“And what’s the bad news?”

Maeda clears his throat again, “Well… the bad news is, it’s unlikely your muscle fibers will be able to recover properly from the damage they endured. We can look into skin grafting, but not much else. You’ll also likely need some physical therapy to make sure everything is in working order, but other than that, you’ll make a fine recovery.”

“I see,” she replies with a hollow tone. “Okay.”

He takes in a breath through his nose and nods, “Well, I’ll leave you alone for now. But a nurse will come to check up on you again soon and we’ll get you well on your way to being discharged. Do you want your, er… _boyfriend_ to come back in here?” He said “boyfriend” with uncertainty.

“No.”

“I see, I see. Alright. Take care, Miss Mado. You’re in good hands.” And with that, Maeda stepped out of her little space and pulled the curtain shut.

Akira lied there motionless, expressionless, running the events back through her mind. She 

remembered fainting, but nothing beyond that. She could only imagine what transpired afterward. Did he come to his senses and bring here in a panic, or did he decide he’d had his fill and dropped her on the doorstep of this hospital, unconcerned if she’d actually survive or not? Akira wasn’t entirely sure. Did she even really care? She wasn’t sure of that, either. All she knew was that she’d nearly died due to her own selfishness, and she couldn’t even succeed in that. She was pathetic. She abandoned Amon without an explanation, and she used Seidou to harm herself, and she wouldn’t ever forgive herself for it. 

Was that what she wanted all along? Not some fairytale ending where she, Seidou, and Amon could all be together again? 

Akira pulled her blanket over her head and tried to go back to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Also, I was very tempted to tag this as "hard vore" for a laugh.


End file.
